Monday, August 10, 2009

Ruthless Animals: The Series

From time to time, I sometimes wonder about which animal I would like to be. Generally this is when I have bills to pay or when I have some other nonsensical adult shit to do. Features of an animal that are attractive to me as a person are generally anthropomorphic because as a human, I want those traits. I don't actually want to be an animal because I have grown accustomed to the conveniences of being a person. Unlike an animal, I'd prefer to not sleep outside all day and have to worry about getting shot by hunters or eaten by my own species. This still does not deter me from desiring certain characteristics of a select choice of animals. Hopefully this series shows you how to select the most appropriate qualities of animal with which to blend with your qualities as a person.

Today, we shall look at the African continent. One may think that with the continent's rich spectrum of predators and area-specific creatures, it would be almost impossible to single out one specific animal that truly captures the essence of a violent continent. You might expect me to target the male Lion or even the African Elephant (a far more diabolical creature than its Asian counterpart). The Lion is an interesting character for He displays much of the sloth and gluttony that I try to infuse into my daily routine. He sleeps all day, has His harem of selected females bring Him food hourly and let Him do what He pleases whenever he finds it appropriate to spend his energy. But there is a point where 20 hours a day EVERY DAY of sleeping and lazying about gets old. Believe me, I have tried. Love thy lazy, but after seeing the same Sportscenter five times in a row, I generally yearn for something a bit more robust. I enjoy doing things to their fullest extent, so I know that if I was a Lion, I would not be able to stop myself from taking full advantage of this lifestyle. It is not part of my personal betterment business to do so now as a human, but I would absolutely make sure it was if I had these qualities as a Lion. Since I already have some of these traits in my repetoire, I do not look up to the Lion like I do one of his neighbors in the savannah.

The bull African Elephant is also a noble species - it takes several lionnesses close to fifteen minutes to take down even a single baby elephant. But bull Elephants have hunters with this shit coming at them and I would prefer not to have to deal with that nonsense. I do not want to be big enough to be a prize on some asshole from Alabama's wall. I am truly looking for the perfect creature, one that is not hunted and is not fucked with on any level but still travels in packs with his buddies. He is still a ruthless creature and very much an under the radar player in this game of survival because he is a more known as being a scavenger but can also hunt and inflict due damage on prey that needs to fill his belly. Cheetah? Too frail. Gorilla? Too busy with family dynamics. Crocodiles? Too territorial.


I want to exhibit as much liveliness as I can that is Hyena-based. I can not say that he always eschews a clandestine approach to life and may just be a little crazy, but so am I. Food is never a problem for this scavenger/hunter hybrid and he has few natural predators (lions do kill hyenas sometimes, but hyenas kill the lionesses so attrition plays). With their bite-pressure being the highest of any mammal on the Planet, they have a ruthlessness that envelopes the entire plain on which they live. There is nothing that a Hyena does not exude that I do not wish for myself.

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