Dominic Barbara, Attorney at Fraud

I'm sure by now you've all heard about the tragic accident that happened last week outside of NYC. Diane Schuler drank a copious amount of alcohol and packed a couple bowls while driving her children and nieces home from a camping trip, then drove their entire van into oncoming, highway traffic and plowed into an SUV head-on, killing 8 of the 9 passengers in the two vehicles. With no history of alcohol abuse, though her husband did tell investigators that his wife drank socially and occasionally smoked herb, her husband's sleaze-basket lawyer is now trying to cover up the fact that Diane was of any fault, presumably to avoid a vicious lawsuit from the families of the SUV passengers who lost three members that day.

Judging by the ratings of his practice and the subsequent comments left by his former clients, you can already tell that finding logic in his following quotes is going to be like finding a needle in a stack of needles. I've translated his nonsense into a more workable stream of thought, so make sure you continue through after he stops blathering.

Actual quotes:

"Something happened here. Something happened to her brain," Barbara said, adding that his client has not decided whether to have a new autopsy conducted. "It does not give me an answer for the alcohol in her stomach or the marijuana that was there. But this is not a woman who would jeopardize five children."

Barbara said Diane had a 7-week-old painful abscess on the side of her mouth that she refused to see a dentist for; she had gestational diabetes - a condition in which blood sugar tends to be high - during her last pregnancy more than two years ago; and she had a "lump on her leg."

Whoever thought the lawyer of Joey Buttafuoco could be such a cunning linguist?

Interpretation of quotes:

"I am a scumbag. I can not argue logically because I am a lawyer and I will disregard evidence to the contrary of my points because that is what a good lawyer does. I will also attempt to contradict myself without realizing it because I am obviously a moron. This woman was a good wife and she would never put her kids in danger. But let me tell you why she may have put her kids in the danger - she had rotting teeth, ate too many sweets, and had cankles. She also had this mysterious liquid in her stomach and blood called alcohol, and she may have been blazing in the car, but let's forget about that. They may or may not have magically appeared in her system. Do not sue her family because she was a good person. But let's keep dragging this out so I can continue to charge by the hour."

Contact him here:
Dominic Barbara
401 Franklin Ave
Garden City, NY 11530-4839
Phone: (516) 222-2333